PORTUGAL 6 - ENGLAND 5 > 25th June
Swiss refs, dodgy decisions,penalty shoot out, blame 'em all - but when push came to shove you can't expect to defend for 87 minutes on your own 6 yard line. No-one took control, the mid-field were desperate for the 3rd out of 4 games and once the boy-wonder was off we had nothing.

Roll on 2006, if we qualify that is!

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ENGLAND 4 - CROATIA 2 > 22nd June
So there you go - we get passed the Croats and I can only remember 1 booking and that was for them. Were we that great though? Poor defending on both goals, daft free kicks given away and in the last 8 they will haunt you. But we turned off in the second half again and let them get back into the game. The midfield stopped working and we started giving the ball away and encouraging them on to us and that's when they scored their second. If they didn't need to beat us we wouldn't have scored the 4th. So let's keep everything sane and don't think we're the greatest team to ever set foot on turf. We must get the back 4 tightened up and make sure that the midfield works for the whole game then we'll have a chance against the Portuguese who didn't look that great. Anyway roll on Thursday and let's see us dump the hosts out.

So what's happening outside Iberia? Looks like Reiziger could be on his way to Middlesborough or Newcastle. Barcelona to the North East - the words culture and shock leap to mind.

Even better for the Toon army, Laurent Robert insists that he's staying at Newcastle

Bryan Robson is considering offers to work in Bulgaria and the Middle East after quitting as Bradford boss

Rio Ferdinand is apparently fuming after Croatia striker Ivica Olic escaped any punishment for failing a drugs test. Rio, he was given a pain killer by a physio who then forgot to fill out a form. He didn't get called for a drugs test but found the bright lights of Harvey Nichs too enticing to go. Can you work out the difference for yourself, Rio, or would you like it explained in small words?

And it looks like the Scousers 2 favourite players are off to Chelsea, Rooney and Gerrard head off to the Bridge. Odd isn't it to have a team to hate more than Man U now. Let's hope it all goes wrong for them next season for that pesky Rusky and Peter Kenyon, the man with the least class in professional football.

ENGLAND 3 - SWITZERLAND 0 > 17th June
Football can be a cruel game. There's no way that we deserved to win that one by 3 but what the hell, we'll take the points. But what about our 'senior' player, their performances were well below what we should expect of zillionaire pros. Owen, let's face it was just dreadful for the second game, bring in Vassell for the next match. Gerrard and Scholes - just plain poor. As for Beckham, well if he's our talisman, God help us. Let's face it he isn't performing and I can't really remember him performing in international finals before so why are we hanging our hopes on him as a nation.

Croats to come and then if luck is on our side we might end up facing the Greeks but they'll be no walkover. Let's hope that we don't loose too many player to cards against our Balkan cousins. They will go down for everything so the nation's favourite scally better keep his hands in his pockets and his temper in check. Then we might just make it through.

Anyway Allez France! Maybe they can do us a favour tonight and stuff those Croats.

OH WELL... ONWARD AND ??? > 14th June
So from the jaws of victory we grab an ill deserved defeat. I know everyone's having a go about Emile Heskey but I don't think it was his suicidal back pass that put Henry now was it. Let's face it the French deserved a draw, they were at us for the whole second half. The penalty (did Emile miss that?) was just about our only attacking moment for the second period and yes Sylvester should have gone and yes Beckham should have scored and yes it would have been a different game, but he stayed, he missed and it wasn't. We should be able to beat the Swiss and the Croats as they both looked pretty poor but lets hope little Wayne keeps his brain in gear and doesn't get sent off - someone have a word. Oh and his mate is Gerrard so let's hope he doesn't f**k that up too.

So still all to play for but I tell you what made me proud last night all the fine people of Warrington, Boston, Croydon and Birmingham having a ruck - you no-mark to**ers! If we can't have a fight with Johnny Foreigner we'll have a go against ourselves, someone order steak & frites or was it one pint too many of European lager? I'm off to watch a couple of teams with fans who love the game play this afternoon whilst I hope you're all still sleeping it off in the cells.

EURO 2004 > 11th June
And so we sit, loins girded and pints in hand, waiting for the off. That festival of close control and closer formation diving (that'll be Croatia) that is Euro 2004 is upon us. Our hopes are still strong, we have a full 48 hours before the pulses race and the tones of the Great Escape start up again and we know that Eng-er-land (repeat and fade to a close) are kicking off against our Gallic cousins.

Personally I hope the Portuguese riot police take particularly unkindly to anyone singing theme tunes to movies involving the Cooler King, Tom Dick and Harry or King Rat and give them the warm Portuguese welcome that they so richly deserve but, hell, that's just me. Anyway let's not think about the Burberry clad fans that will probably get us kicked out of the tournament before the end of the group stages - were the Portuguese in the war by the way? Christ their quick wit and repartee will be destroyed if not.

Do we have a chance - do we care? Well of course we don't and of course we do respectively. Yes we have some fine talented players but I think, just maybe, so do some other countries. It would be nice if we actually managed to perform but let's face it, history doesn't bode well and we'll probably bo**ocks it up again. Draw with France, beat Switzerland by the odd goal and get sunk by the Croats and go out on that result. Oh and by the way - the Croats were on the Germans side back in '45 so the 'if it weren't for us you'd be a Kraut' chant probably doesn't cut too much ice with them.

So what's going to keep us watching for the next few weeks? Well it's football and, frankly, that's all we care about. It could be Bhutan vs. Chad and we'd still watch it if it were no proper telly and so we will. There'll be some great games and some dire ones. Van the Man will hit the turf within the first 5 minutes of Holland's first game with no one near him. Totti will pray a lot, Jesus is an Italy fan don't you know. Spain and Portugal will under perform. Germany will grind out a place in the semi-finals, god knows how. There'll be lots of plucky little countries that get nowhere. The French will be written off to start with and win it again and we'll be home before the start of Wimbledon so the whole nation can concentrate on Tiger Tim not winning that too. Pessimism or realism? Yeah maybe, but if we do win it by some miracle, it will make it oh so much sweeter.

Anyway enjoy the feast of football and keep an eye on which over-priced, Eastern European or over-the-hill players turn up for one last pay day with Charlton, Norwich, Portsmouth (ideally all 3 for Harry to be interested) and West Brom.

SHAMBLES > 11th March
So we're nearly done with another hard week of European football and, let's be honest, if you're not a Man U fan, we're all secretly happy that Porto dumped them out on their complacent, over-rated derri¸res. Well maybe it's just me but to see England's leading right back, well leading in the sense of 'I don't understand the offside rule ref' sense of the word, moaning on about the shambles at Theatre of Dreams warms the cockles of my heart. Who did come up with the Theatre of Dreams by the way? If they spent a bit less time worrying about cramming a couple of thousand more Surrey commuters in and decided to get a decent pitch then we might take them a bit more seriously.

As for Surrey commuters, Chelsea did well with a commanding 0-0 home draw against Stuttgart. Nice to see discontent in the ranks, Bates suing and the signal final reaches Joe Cole's brain from when he signed that if he joins Chelsea he will never get a game and he can kiss Euro 2004 good-bye. I'd be crowding round Fulham Broadway tube to see which Chelsea cast offs you can pick up on the cheap this summer. Christ that way Tottenham might manage to get someone half decent.

So that leaves it to Arsenal to play some decent football, score some goals and go through easily. I'm not even a fan but ridiculed for over the summer for their transfer dealings looks like the chuckling into their Cafe Au Laits now.

We'll look forward to the draw tomorrow for the last 8 and hope that our last 2 don't get each other — what price they will? Tonight Liverpool, Newcastle and Celtic all hit Uefa Cup action so we'll report on that next time.

Otherwise our friends in Fleet Street reckon:

Barcelona are "monitoring" Michael Owen's contract situation, AC Milan and Inter chasing Carlo Cudicini, Jeff Kenna rejects Birmingham deal for Derby (good God, why?), Portsmouth striker Lee Bradbury wants a move to Derby (two in one day — has the world gone mad??!!) and, of course,

Manchester United's Gary Neville is quoted as saying that United "are a shambles everywhere" — he worked that all out for himself you know.

PS Hammers won too

PETULANT FARCE... > 22nd September
So, another day with the sports pages full of the goings on between those spoilt children from Highbury and Old Trafford. Pretty much every right thinking football fan wants to see Ruudy Boy given a good slap but, Patrik, bit obvious me thinks? As for that lump of granite in central defence—Keown—jesus christ what was he thinking of? Grow up children, there's better ways of getting even with the Greg Louganis fraternity. Lets face it Keown and Parlour— it's like being confronted by John Boy and Jim Bob Walton, limited genetic pools. It wouldn't stick in everyone's craw as much if the osteoporosis kid with a beard, Pires, hadn't tripped over and errant blade of grass against Portsmouth and crumpled like a certain balloon off Cornwall.

Wenger, Ferguson—get a grip; you're both as bad as each other. Don't try and make out you were both sinned against, you were both sinners... get the teams into shape, you have a responsibility to the millions of kids watching the games which invariably end up in such petulant farce! Fine 'em into oblivion.

As for the rest of the week-end, nice to see Spurs have developed a backbone and got rid of Mr Hoddle and his pointless deacon Mr Gorman. Chelsea whip Wolves but, to be honest, who won't be able to this season. Not even the "guvnor" can save them - another one who frankly deserves a good slap. Chelsea looking good but we'll see when they meet a couple of half decent sides. Middlesborough manage to scrape by Everton, Liverpool seem to be remembering how to win, Man City salvage a little deserved point and Pompey loose. Fantastic, should take the smirk off the father-in-law's face.

So let's see what the League Cup—we will still call it that—brings. Fingers crossed for a couple of good upsets and maybe another manager or two will bite the dust!

WELCOME BACK... > 17th August
So the new season is under way and the months of idle speculation will be over. As is traditional at this time of year the season kicked off, quite literally, with the happy-go-lucky friendly match that is the Charity, sorry, Community Shield. Lets face it, though - who wouldn't want to give Phil Neville a good kick given half the opportunity?

Chelsea in the meantime are happily spending rubbles as if it's going out of fashion and now we all have a team that we want to fail more than Man Utd. If you didn't notice with all the Chelsea guff going on all bar our friends in the top flight kicked off last Saturday - what football outside of the Premiership? It was great to see West Ham concede the fastest ever opening day goal, scrape a win and then manage to still look fools after Mr Connolly had a go at that loveable fool Glenn Roeder. Still I'd rather be a Hammer than follow our friends from Sunderland or West Brom - now they were bad!

Over the next few months we'll be waxing lyrical about all manner of footballing nonsense and righting the wrongs of the beautiful game in our own slightly scurrilous way. Oh and you can always buy a shirt if you fancy...

From Tooting to Cadiz -
Seriously Buy-Curious!
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